


10 Things I'm Cool About You

by Iuciernaga



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:35:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26217253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iuciernaga/pseuds/Iuciernaga
Summary: Jeff wants to take Britta to prom, but she is planning this whole protest against school dances with the support of Troy Barnes, her best friend and captain of the football team. So Jeff comes up with the perfect plan: Bribing the mysterious Abed Nadir to seduce Troy and convince him of going to prom. Because where Troy goes, Britta goes. Smooth, isn't it?The things is, they don't seem to get along at first.or10 Things I Hate About You AU.
Relationships: Troy Barnes/Abed Nadir, [past Troy Barnes/Britta Perry]
Comments: 17
Kudos: 44





	10 Things I'm Cool About You

**Author's Note:**

> Alternative title: Intro to High School Clichés and Teenage Drama.  
> Warning: They are all around 18 in this fic, even Pierce! Thus, there will be minors smoking, and swearing, and parties and - have you seen the movie? I really hope you have, because it's a masterpiece. On the other hand, I hope you haven't, so this is all brand new to you. I changed a lot of things anyway. Hope you enjoy it!

“The whole concept is so sexist,” Britta scowls. The wind blows her hair in her face, and she pushes it away angrily. “Women being expected to dress up and get a makeover just to meet men's expectations of beauty, and having to passively wait to be asked out because if they happen to have the initiative then they are too pushy or _unladylike_!”

Troy nods distractedly. As he parks the car, a couple of girls walk by and wave shyly at him.

“Hey, Troy!” Annie Edison greets, entangling a lock of dark hair in her finger. “Are you coming to the school dance? I mean - why am I even asking?” She giggles. “You're nominated to prom king!”

“Am I?” Troy asks, frowning. Then he smirks, looking at a point in the horizon. “Yeah, of course I am.”

Britta scoffs, and leans over him to get a better look of Annie and the girls from the debate club. “Whatever. _We_ are not going.”

“Yeah, we are not - wait, what? Why?!”

“Troy, you agreed to back me up on this! I’ve been talking about it the whole ride!”

“I wasn’t paying attention! I’m going to be _Prom King,_ Britta!”

“So what? You know that’s not an actual royal title, right? And also, monarchy is a whole other problematic topic that maybe we should focus on -”

“But, babe!” Troy complains. “I’m gonna have a crown! I’d look good as hell in a literal _crown!_ ”

“You always look hot and that’s hardly important right now.” Britta brushes off. “You and I refusing to participate in that meaningless, patriarchal event, is really going to make a point! You know that if I’m the only one who does it nobody will care. And this is our last year! Our last chance to make a change!”

Troy grunts and hits the steering wheel half-heartedly, just because he knows that Britta gets annoyed by what she calls unnecessary displays of masculinity.

Britta slumps. “Well, fine. I won’t force you to do or _not do_ anything you don’t want. I know how much you love showing off. And you still haven’t used that fancy suit my mom gave you for christmas, which you really shouldn’t have accepted anyway! Because that’s only her way to try to control who I’m dating - “

Troy gives up. “It’s fine,” He says, placing a hand on her shoulder. “It’d be nice to skip all the drama of picking a girl to take to the dance, you know? Cause when I invite one girl then all the others get super jealous and start fighting each other, maybe like in a pool with foam, or on a mud puddle - wait, that would actually be _awesome_ -” He notices Britta glaring at him and focuses again on the matter at hand. “Doesn’t matter. It would be super dangerous too, and I don’t want to live with that guilt in my mind. Plus, the whole dance business is kind of girly anyway -”

“Troy, stop listing stereotypes,” Britta says, but she is giving him a wobbly smile. He squeezes her shoulder affectionately. 

“Whatever. It’s our last year. Let’s be the worst together.”

“Really? You promise?”

“Sure.”

Britta hugs him, and Troy welcomes gladly her familiar perfume and warmth. 

“Didn’t you two break up like six months ago?” Someone says behind him.

“Kim!” Annie Edison chastises. 

“Uh, duh-doy,” Troy and Britta say synchronously. 

“So why are you two like all huggy and calling each other pet names-” 

“Because we are very mature people that know how to keep being best friends, even after they tried to date and one of them broke up with the other through a text message on Valentine’s day -” 

“It wasn’t Valentine’s day!” Troy shrieks. “It was midnight so it was technically the 15th -”

“That’s still terrible timing, _honey_!"

“Well, I’m sorry. I’m a Sagittarius!” Troy blurts out, because he learned that that excuse always works on Britta. She nods sympathetically, as expected. 

“You two are so lame,” Annie Kim deadpans.

“Oh, don’t listen to her!” Annie Edison jumps in, her voice a little strained. “I think that’s super cute and mature that you still managed to be friends even after all your romantic history.” 

“Thanks, Annie,” Britta smiles. “It’s not like I could get rid of him anyway. We basically grew up together.”

“That kind of makes weird the fact that you dated. It’s almost incestuous -”

“Oh, give me a rest, Annie Kim!” Britta says, putting her sunglasses on and getting out of the car. Troy huffs a laugh. “That’s why everyone prefers the other Annie!”

Kim rolls her eyes. Edison smiles proudly, and then Britta storms off.

Troy looks at her go for a moment, then steps out of the car. “I guess I’ll go after her.” He winks at Annie Edison, who blushes prettily. “Bye, girls.” 

They sigh in unison and wave him goodbye. 

\--

“And that’s why prom dances are just outdated mating rituals and their only function is to perpetuate sexist and patriarchal ideas!” The blonde from Jeff’s Spanish class announces through a megaphone. She is standing dramatically on one of the tables in the cafeteria.

Everyone starts booing her in chorus, in what Jeff has learned is the truest Greendale style. People in this high-school have weird reactions to things. 

“What’s the deal with the Spanish hottie?” He asks, watching her cover her face from all the paper balls people are throwing at her and apparently produced out of thin air. “Why is she so _intense_ all the time?”

“Oh, Britta Perry.” Shirley says in her sweetest voice. “Well, it’s none of my business, but I've heard that her parents are extremely controlling, so she tries to overcompensate by opposing society in every way she can. She shouldn’t try so hard, if you ask me. Wearing those knee-high boots is more than enough.”

Jeff smirks. He’s only been in this crazy highschool for a day, and everything he’s learned about the strange traditions, students, and teachers that surround him has been thanks to Shirley and her gift for gossip. She is truly great; a real pot stirrer. 

“I bet she hasn’t actually gone to a school dance.” Jeff says smugly, leaning back in his chair. “If she went with _me_ , I’m pretty sure she would take all that back. And that’s the Winger guarantee.”

“Come, on, Jeffrey!” Shirley scoffs. “Do you really think that the skinny, blonde, rebellious cheerleader doesn’t get asked out? She could even get more _girls_ than you if she wanted to!”

“Lesbian! I called it.” A guy in very pretentious clothing slides in the seat next to Shirley, putting his arm around her. 

“Pierce. I’m going to give you five seconds to give me personal space or the next thing you’ll see will be my heel on your face."

“Now, easy there, Shirley. As much as I would enjoy that -” 

“ _Pierce, I swear to God almighty,_ ” Her tone has taken a dangerous quality, and Jeff smiles incredulously. She really is full of surprises. 

“Fine, fine!” Pierce raises his hands in surrender, then raises an eyebrow at Jeff. “Who's this, by the way? Your new gay friend?”

“You really seem to have a fixation on people’s sexuality,” Jeff points out. “You might want to mention that to the psychologist that your daddy pays for you.” 

“Joke's on you, 'cause my father would never pay me a psychologist!” Pierce retorts. Jeff just grimaces. And he thought _he_ had daddy issues. 

He is going to make another snarky remark, when the Spanish hottie - Britta, Jeff reminds himself - makes her last announcement. 

“By the way, so you all know. Troy isn’t going to the dance either.” Britta declares triumphantly. Jeff looks around him, confused. Why did literally _everyone_ gasp? Even the lady from the cafeteria! “Yeah, that’s right! We both are proudly against this outdated tradition. As you should all be!” 

“Who the hell is Troy?” He whispers to Shirley. “Did I somehow stumble into the High-School Musical Universe without knowing?”

Shirley looks at him disapprovingly. “Troy Barnes. Captain of the Football team. The one over there with the nice arms and killer smile.” 

Jeff glances over and spots him. The guy is helping Britta get off the table. He actually takes her by the waist and puts her down as if she weighed nothing. Jeff makes a mental note to double his routine of push-ups. 

“Is he her boyfriend?” He asks, when he notices the way in which Barnes’ hand hovers around her hip, almost protectively. 

“Nah. Ex-boyfriend.” Pierce interjects. “I’m pretty sure she’s a lesbian. Otherwise, she would jump into the opportunity of going to the dance with me without a second thought.”

“Have you considered the possibility that not everyone is into butt-chins?” Jeff says, and Shirley chuckles. 

“I don’t think she would accept going to the dance with anyone.” Shirley states, now being more serious. “She has this weird little codependent thing with Troy going on. If they already have this agreement not to go, I doubt either of them would be willing to betray the other.”

“I understand Barnes, anyway.” Pierce adds. “I too am a ladies man, and taking a girl to prom is a huge compromise. They get all excited and suddenly want a whole relationship, and to meet your parents, and to get a Lexus for the one-month anniversary! It’s better to avoid it and live the sweet bachelor life.”

Jeff always wanted a Lexus, but he still can't imagine how anyone could put up with this Pierce guy for a month, even if that’s the prize. Then he gets a completely unrelated idea. 

“If Mr. Quarterback gets into a really meaningful relationship, then he might actually want to go to prom, right?”

“Mmm. I’m not sure.” Shirley muses. “He’s not the monogamous type. The only girl he ever dated seriously was Britta. And then he broke up with her on _Valentine’s day_!”

Jeff raises his eyebrows. To get to date _that_ hotty and then just leave her like that? And still get to hang out with her all nice and friendly? He feels a strange mix of surprise, admiration and disdain towards the guy. 

“He must have a type.”

“Why do you want him to go to prom, anyway?” Shirley asks judgingly. 

“That’s very…. _not straight_ of you, Jeffrey.” Says Pierce, who seems to have caught up on his name. 

“Shut up, Pierce. I’m just wondering. If Troy Barnes met someone he really liked, and that person convinced him to go to the dance, then he might actually convince Britta to give up on this whole anti-dance thing. And then she would definitely consider the option of going...” Shirley stares at him quietly, waiting for him to finish. “...With me.” 

“I don’t think you're understanding, sweetie.” She says very slowly and gently, as if talking down to a child. “Troy is a player, in every sense of the word. There’s no one single person in here who would be able to turn him into a committed, lovestruck prince with a kiss. It’s not like they haven’t tried.”

“There _has_ to be someone.” 

“No, Jeffrey.” She warns. “And the same goes for Britta.”

“Oh, come on, Shirley!” Jeff scoffs. “Have you _seen_ me?” 

“You're starting to sound just like Pierce.” She points out, and Jeff shudders. 

“Am I?”

Pierce grins and almost climbs over the table to give him a fist-bump. Jeff accepts reluctantly. 

“You know, this might be the beginning of a great brotherhood! Our first sausage fest!” 

Jeff groans, while Shirley shakes her head disapprovingly. This Greendale madness is already starting to consume him.

\--

Troy makes a show of opening the Dean's office door abruptly. Craig Pelton jumps into place, closing his laptop suspiciously fast.

“Were you calling me, sir?” Troy asks begrudgingly.

“Oh, yes, Mr. Barnes! You may take a seat.” He offers pleasantly. Troy rolls his eyes. 

“Is this about Britta’s rant against the dance? You should know by now that her protests never really get anywhere. She is probably going to Britta’ it somehow.” Troy explains. He is not dissing her; he’s just telling the truth as it is. 

“I am aware of that.” Dean Pelton admits, pursing his lips. “That’s hardly my main concern... But _you,_ O’ captain! How could you fall into her trap when we need you the most?!”

“What do you mean?”

“I heard that you're also refusing to attend the dance!” The Dean chastises. “You! Our golden boy! The Human Being’s sweetheart and quarterback! Nobody will want to go now! You two just made it cool _not to go_!”

Troy groans. “Is this like, another honor fight between Greendale and City Highschool?”

“It. Always. Is.” The Dean states, slamming his desk for emphasis. 

“I don’t care. I promised Britta I wouldn’t go, and I actually kind of don’t want to, so who cares what I do?”

“Every single young girl in this institution, perhaps?” The Dean suggests, giving him an exaggeratedly raised eyebrow. “Come on, Mr. Barnes. You have to help us here! Don’t make me blackmail you.”

“You can’t force me to go to your lame dance. That probably worked like, the first ten times you pulled it off. Now I really don’t care if you share those pictures of me dressed as a bee. I think I even kinda like them now, you know? Not everyday you get to have a front sting.”

The Dean sighs. “Troy, I think I know what you're going through.”

Troy squints at him. “You do?”  
  


“Yes. I too was once a young man just trying to discover myself.” He fumbles for words for a bit, and Troy frowns. “...And I think I understand your particular behavior of getting involved with as much women as you can because it’s what you're expected to do, but then not being able to follow through, because deep down you have this little part of you that says, hey, Sean Connery has actually a very nice skull shape -”  
  


“That’s - what?!” Troy gets up very quickly, trying to hide his blush. It’s probably not noticeable, but his face feels extremely hot. His hands close into fists involuntarily. “Dude, I don’t - I am _so not_ -”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it,” The Dean reassures him, raising his hands in surrender. “I just want you to know that it doesn’t mean that you have to hide from society just to avoid that kind of interactions that _maybe_ are not what you really want -”

“I’m not - like you!” Troy blurts out, feeling extremely distressed, and confused, and unreasonably angry. “I’m into girls, and all their jiggly parts. And I will not turn into a weird guy that has a fetish on dalmatians!”

The Dean gasps dramatically, putting a hand on his chest. “It’s _not_ a fetish! And if it were, there’s nothing wrong with it! You're the one who dated _Britta_ of all people -”

But Troy doesn’t even hear the end of it, because he already bolted out of the room.

\--

“You know, say what you want about Greendale, but there are so many beauties in this school.” Pierce says, putting his feet on the table. “Even the librarian! Just look at her, my friend.” 

Jeff exhales heavily and gets his own feet off the table. Spending time with Pierce is making him hate himself; Does he sound and look like that all the time?

“Well, you're not wrong.” He admits reluctantly. She looks older than them, anyway. Maybe if they were in college he would actually give it a try. 

“And Annie Edison,” Pierce points to a girl who just walked in carrying a heavy stack of books. “She became hot during summer. But don’t try to hit on her.” He warns. “She’s my favorite.”

“Your favorite? Dude, that sounds extra fucked up, even for you.” 

“I don’t mean it that way. We are friends!” Pierce says, and apparently it’s true, because at that moment Annie turns and waves at them sweetly. 

“Wow. Nice to know you have boundaries.” Jeff concedes.

“I’m gonna introduce you two. She’s a very smart girl, great to have around. Helped me to get a B on the Algebra final -” Pierce makes a gesture for her to come over. She smiles and looks like she is going to join them, but suddenly Troy Barnes emerges out of nowhere, walking with large, angry strides, and bumps into her, making her drop all her books.

“Little Annie!” Troy says, grabbing her gently by the shoulders to stabilize her. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to -” 

“Oh, it’s fine!” She squeaks, and her whole body is now a shade pinker. “It was an accident!”

“Let me help you with that,” Troy says, and bends down to pick up all her books. The pile that looked so heavy in Annie's hands now seems as if it were made of feathers, effortlessly balanced on one of Troy's toned arms. “Where do you want me to put them?”

“Maybe in that table over there?” Annie asks, still in a very high-pitched voice. Troy obeys and walks towards Jeff and Pierce’s table.

“I think we have our girl,” Jeff whispers triumphantly. 

“What? Annie? For this jock?” Pierce exclaims. “Never! I have the perfect guy for her. Is this friend Leonard from my Biology class -”

“How can you trust someone that is named after a Ninja Turtle -” Jeff starts, but then Troy and Annie arrive.

“Hi, Pierce! And you're Jeff Winger, right? I’m Annie Edison, nice to meet you,” She says pleasantly, and offers her hand for a handshake, but instead Jeff takes it and kisses it gallantly. 

“Ma’am.” 

“M’lord.” Annie bows, and blushes even more. Jeff smirks. “Oh, and this is Troy Barnes!” She introduces him, almost reverently. 

“Whatever.” Troy dismisses, and drops the books on the table unceremoniously. The stack falls on Pierce's foot, who lets out an undignified cry. “Hawthorne. New guy.” He nods at them both, and turns to leave. He doesn’t seem particularly affected or jealous of Jeff’s interaction with Annie. Jeff frowns. Maybe she is not their girl. Maybe it was just a random rom-com moment. But if not even that cute, smart girl can hold Barnes’ attention, who can?

“Listen everybody.” An almost monotonous but assertive voice bursts into the library. “My rat has escaped. I repeat, Fidel, my rat, is running somewhere out there. So if any of you see it, bring it to me instantly. He responds to people humming the Daybreak theme.” 

Suddenly, every pair of eyes in the library is trained on the newly appeared guy; some of them look at him with distrust, others with admiration. He is a tall, lean, and non-conventionally but very attractive guy in dark clothes. His hair is just slightly long and tied up in a short ponytail at the back of his neck, and despite his skinny features there is something intimidating in his posture and his furrowed brow.

“Who cares about a rat?” Pierce spits in response, and someone actually squeals next to them. Was it _Troy_? Jeff can’t be sure. The mysterious guy turns his head and stares at their table. 

“Did I hear a squeal coming from there?” He points in their general direction. “Are you holding my rat hostage?”

Troy clears his throat. “Nobody stole your Stuart Little, man. Rats are fucking disgusting.” He states, squaring his shoulders and looking extremely menacing out of nowhere. He couldn’t have been the one who shrieked, Jeff decides. It must have been Annie. 

In a matter of seconds, the guy takes a couple of long strides until he is extremely close to Troy, almost breathing in his face, eyeing him up and down. The whole room falls silent. 

“You're scared of gnawers.” He points out finally, an almost imperceptible smile pulling up the corner of his mouth. Troy’s whole frame tenses, and Jeff can totally see the fight coming. 

“Punch him in the face!” Pierce hisses. Jeff hits him in the arm to shut him up. 

“Why would you even bring a rat to school in the first place?” Jeff interjects. Everyone looks at him in surprise. Even the stealthy guy raises an eyebrow at him. 

“It’s my science project.”

“Okay, Spock. Your science project consists of singing to a rat?”

“Oh, I forgot. You're new. You're not used to the genre.”

“ _The genre?_ ”

“You know what? Forehead is right.” Troy jumps in, glaring at the stranger. Jeff wants to yell _my forehead isn't that big, you ungrateful dick!_ But resists the urge, only because he’s never been in a fight. Yet. “Those science projects the teachers make us do are just dumb bullshit -”

The guy gets dangerously close, one of his hands hovering very close to Troy’s cheek without actually touching it. He leans in, and Jeff only gets to hear what he whispers in the other boy’s ear in a very low voice because they are standing less than a meter away from him. “Then you picked the wrong school, didn’t you?”

It seems like everyone expects Troy to punch him, or laugh sarcastically, or growl at him, or whatever that could usually happen seconds before disaster. But Troy just freezes. He only holds the other guy’s gaze with his mouth half-open and his scowl just barely there, while everyone stares at him as if he were a ticking bomb.

The guy winks at him, and then steps away, changing his whole stance and behaviour in a matter of seconds. “Cool. Cool, cool, cool. If anyone spots Fidel, please contact me as soon as possible.”

And just like that, he leaves.

“We found our man.” Jeff whispers to Pierce. 

Pierce frowns at him. “Our man? You sure you aren't gay?”

“Damn you, Pierce. How can you turn literally every situation -” 

Troy comes back to life after hearing Pierce’s inappropriate question, and looks like he is about to punch him before he registers that the words were not aimed at him but at Jeff. 

“Did y'all lose something too, or what?” Troy snarks in general, glaring at every single person in the room. “Shouldn’t you be studying or doing whatever nerdy stuff people do at libraries?” 

The magic, silent spell is broken and everyone resumes their previous activities guiltily. Troy leaves the room, as angry as he entered it, and Annie just gasps next to him.

This is going to be more difficult than he initially thought, Jeff concludes. But there’s absolutely nothing that he enjoys more than a challenge. 

\--

  
  


Troy finds Britta in her secret hiding place to smoke. 

“You look like shit. Something happened?” She asks when he sits next to her. 

“No. Nothing. It’s just.” He groans and runs his hands over his hair in frustration. “I feel like -”

“Your whole brain is crying?” She supplies, letting out the smoke. Troy nods. 

“Yeah. I feel so weird.”

“I heard the Dean called you into his office.” 

“He did. And it was super awkward and uncomfortable as always. But that’s not it.”

Britta purses her lips, and offers him a smoke. He shakes his head, but takes a chocolate one from his pocket. She never judges him anyway, just keeps doing her thing distractedly without questioning him. 

“Was it Nana Barnes? Is she getting all cranky and hurtful again? Because I can go over and have a chat with her. I think I already managed the art of talking to her without ending up submitted to her switch.” Britta suggests. Troy huffs a laugh and shakes his head. 

“No, babe. It’s not that.”

They stay silent for a minute; Britta probably trying to find another explanation, and Troy just staring blankly at the cloud of smoke that appears and disappears in front of them.

“...So, are you having love troubles?” She finally asks. “You know you can talk to me about that, right? Just because we dated it doesn’t mean that we have to be now all secretive and careful around each other.”

“No,” Troy says, taking out another chocolate and eating it in two bites. “That’s kind of the thing. What if I never get love troubles again? I mean, what’s wrong with me? Look at you, Britta! You're the best. You're super hot, and super good at butt stuff, and know me better than anyone, and actually know stuff about _politics_ \- And it didn’t work! How is that even possible? You're the closest chance I ever had to actually fall in love for real, but not even that was enough for me -”

“Troy,” She says, throwing her cigarette into the floor and pressing it with her boot. “That doesn’t mean anything. You know, I like to tease you about the way in which you broke up with me and all that, but I actually saw it coming from the beginning.”

Troy looks up at her. “Really?” 

She smiles softly at him and tangles her fingers in his hair as if he were a cat. “Of course. There’s something about you, Troy, something I had always felt is missing between you and me. And I mean it in every aspect of our relationship. Even as friends. It’s like there’s this whole part of you that no one actually knows.”

“I’m not that deep, Britta.” He states. “There is no mysterious part of me. And you know all my secrets. Like the dancing thing, and we agreed that if you ever mention that fact even to your cats -” 

“Oh, shut up, Troy. Suzie B has seen you twirling in my room a hundred times.”

“She can’t see shit. She has one eye!”

“That doesn’t mean she’s blind! She just has a visual deficiency, you ableist little fucker!”

“Whatever.” He laughs a little and rests his head in her shoulder. For some reason, he really wants to cry. He bites his lip.

“Do it. I know you want to.”

Troy raises a fist to his mouth and bites onto it. “I don’t wanna. I don’t even have a real reason to cry right now!”

“Well, you also don’t have a reason _not to_! Come on, I thought we’ve established that real men _do_ cry. Don't be _pusillanimous._ ” Britta emphasizes the last word, which is the one that she had found to replace when she wants to say _pussy_ without sounding misogynistic. 

Troy gives up, and tears up in her sweater. Britta holds him close, running her hand up and down his back, her long nails gently scraping the material of his letter jacket.

“Romantic love is a universal myth, Troy.” She mumbles into his hair. “But there’s chemistry, and friendship, and physical attraction, and emotional bonds, and people who truly understand and bring out the best of us. And it’s almost impossible that with all the humans that exist on this planet, there is not at least one person who meets all those characteristics for you. Hell - maybe even for _me_.”

“Wow.” Troy exhales. “That wasn’t very anarchist of you, was it?”

“It was a very anarchist speech.” Britta defends herself, and Troy rolls his eyes because he doesn’t actually _know_ about any of that, he was just messing with her. “At least the first sentence of it. Maybe I’m just reaching, but in the end, that’s the principle of what Emma Goldman always said -”

“You’re the worst.” He interrupts fondly, and Britta laughs and presses a soft kiss in his temple. 

\--

“Shirley,” Jeff finds her chatting under a tree with five other black girls that look at him judgingly. “I need to talk to you.”

“Right now, sweetie?” Shirley asks, clutching her purse. “We are in the middle of something.”  
  


“Wasn’t he there when it happened?” One of the girls points out. 

“Oh,” Shirley gasps, and her voice changes from passive-aggressive to exceedingly nice. “Je-ffrey, were you at the library when the Nadir and Barnes incident happened?”

“I don’t know what a Nadir is, but I’m guessing you're referring to the tall guy with the skinny limbs and the deep voice?” 

“He’s not that skinny, you know.” Another girl says, smiling wryly. “Remember that time he shot the meta-movie?”

“As if I could ever forget that,” Shirley grumbles, but they all ignore her.

“... And he was wearing those super tight leather pants with the open shirt, and I swear I could see he actually had _abs."  
_

“Yeah, and did you notice that he grew his hair this year! I’m pretty sure he has _curls_! And lately he is so dark and intense -” 

“I know! Like, once I asked him if I could borrow a pencil, and he said _I don’t know, can you?_ And it was _so_ hot -”

“And that time he actually went crazy and made that monologue impersonating Nicolas Cage in front of the whole class! He gives me Robert Pattison being insane vibes - “

“Oh, this is perfect.” Jeff says, sitting down next to Shirley. All the girls eye him warily. “What? I just want to gossip with you. Is there a code or something? I’m great at this. Ask Shirley!”

“He’s nice.” Shirley admits. “But we have one rule, Winger: No judging. And no snarky remarks. We are allowed to judge outsiders, not each other.”

“Understood.” He smiles pleasantly and notices how they all relax. “So, yeah, I was actually there when the scene of sexual tension happened at the library.”  
  


They all gasp. “Sexual tension? That’s not possible!”  
  


Jeff holds up his hands. “Well, maybe I got it wrong. But there was definitely something going on.”

“I don’t see why it can’t be possible.” One of the girls says. She has long hair and pretty, foxy eyes. Jeff almost asks for her number, but then thinks better of it. 

“Randy! You _dated_ Troy,”

“We just went out once.” She says. “And it was super cute, and he has a nice car, and smells good, and is an incredible kisser.”

“Then?” Another girl with golden earrings inquires.

“Then nothing. I just don’t see why not.” Randy repeats. “Abed Nadir is smooth, and mysterious, and I think he knows how to have that effect on every person on the planet.” 

“I know what you mean. But he didn’t use to be like that, you know?” The girl with the earrings says. “I remember him a year ago because we had to work together on an assignment, and he was just a regular, if nerdy guy. He was just complaining about the Star Wars prequels the whole time, and didn’t seem to have a closet full of black shirts as he looks now.”

“That’s hardly surprising.” Jeff intervenes. “People change and adapt to the circumstances and necessities. Men will always find a way to get what we want. Whether it’s working out, or owning a man-bun, or channeling Ryan Gosling’s mannerisms. And it’s okay, because it’s part of our survival. We are selfish. We are evil. We are horny. But the good thing is, we improve ourselves because of that. And we do that for _you_ , ladies.” 

“As cynical as that was, it convinced me somehow,” Shirley concedes. 

“I know.” Jeff gets up and beams at her. “I’m going to be one hell of a lawyer someday. But for now, I have to find that brilliant son of a bitch.”

\--

  
  


He doesn’t find Abed Nadir until the next morning. Which is great in a way, because that gave him enough time to explain his plan cautiously to Pierce, and convince him that he should volunteer his money to bribe the guy in case it's necessary, which most probably will. He also won’t admit it, but he went to the barber shop with Pierce and it was very nice in fact. It’s good to know another guy that can actually grow a beard or at least stubble despite being eighteen, even though Pierce prefers to be clean-shaven all the time to show off his butt-chin. 

“There’s our man!” Pierce says, pointing to a dark figure sitting in the bleachers. Jeff smiles a little despite himself because of Pierce’s words choice. Maybe they will actually become friends. 

“Let’s do this,” He says, rubbing his hands together. They approach him, and discover he is sitting next to another guy, holding a small video camera extremely close to his face.

“Good morning! Abed Nadir, right?”

Abed looks at him just for a moment, frowns, and then just turns back to his camera.

Jeff clears his throat. “So, I’m Jeff Winger. I know you know it because you talked to me yesterday,” 

Abed keeps ignoring him.

“Hey, Rain man, we are trying to talk to you here!” Pierce exclaims exasperatedly. Nadir finally reacts at this, closing his camera quickly and getting to his feet. He is taller than Pierce, and almost as tall as Jeff, who prides himself in being the tallest guy everywhere he goes. 

“I’m filming. You just ruined my shot.” He points out. The guy is being unnecessarily rude, yet Jeff feels sort of guilty. 

“Uh, we are sorry for that, dude. Is it another school project?”

“It’s a personal project.” Abed explains, but he doesn’t sound that angry now. Just neutral. “I’m making an indie film about Pavel’s reactions to life.” 

“I’m guessing that’s Pavel,” Jeff says, pointing at the guy with the arched eyebrows.

“Good morning, bros! Yes, I’m Pavel!” The boy in question is very cheerful; he doesn’t match Abed’s whole mysterious vibe, but definitely makes a great sidekick. 

“So, what are you reacting to exactly?” He tries to lighten the mood asking questions and talking to Pavel. It actually works. 

“Annie Edison becoming a cheerleader!” Pavel announces excitedly. “Look at her! She is _rocking_ it!”

It’s until that moment that Jeff notices the Cheerleaders standing in the middle of the field, which says a lot about his morning grogginess. 

“Woah. Yeah, she looks great.” He admits. She is, as Pavel said, rocking that Cheerleader outfit. However, he gets quickly distracted by Britta, who is directing the girls, pacing in front of them like an army general.

He tries to hear what she’s saying, and catches something among the lines of _we are not doing this to please men, we are doing this because it’s fun, and it’s a sport, and we have a gift, and these outfits are a little humiliating but I swear someday i’ll convince the Dean to let us wear leggings instead of skirts! Maybe some kind of cool sweatpants -_ And all the Cheerleaders groan, except Annie who looks just extremely excited of being a part of the whole speech and is jumping up and down and clasping her hands. 

“What do you want?” Abed asks, taking him out of his stupor. He had been completely absorbed by the way Britta's blond curls reflect the sunlight. “Did you find Fidel?”

“Oh,” Jeff breathes. “No. I didn’t. I’m sorry about your rat, by the way. Seems like you two were close.”

Abed frowns. “It was a rat, not my brother.” 

“Yeah, I know I just - doesn’t matter. That’s not why I’m here, actually -”

“This is about Britta, isn’t it?” Abed interrupts, and his gaze looks calculating; almost robotical.

“Well, yes, in theory.” Jeff admits, shocked. “How would you know?”

“You just blanked out staring at her for a whole minute. And you have this soon-to-be leading man energy that suggests that you will either get involved with the blond chick or at least try to.” 

“Leading man energy?”

Abed nods. “Although you're lacking some kind of tragic backstory. Maybe you already have it, but it hasn’t reached its pinnacle.”

“I don’t know what to say.” 

“Just tell me what you're here for.” Abed offers, swatting away from his eyes a rebellious lock of hair that came loose. How can a guy with a _ponytail_ look that intimidating? Jeff wonders almost enviously. 

“We want you to seduce Troy Barnes so either me or Jeff can get into Britta’s pants.” Pierce bursts in.

Jeff almost chokes on his own saliva. “That's oversimplifying the matters -”

“That’s no respectable way to get to a lady’s heart,” Pavel advises wisely. 

“Doesn’t matter.” Abed says, holding a hand. “Sounds interesting. What would I get out of it?”

“First offer: Fifty dollars and our chicken fingers from lunch.” Pierce bargains. 

“No,” Abed states, and he’s already walking down the bleachers. “I want a camera.”

“You already have one, we just saw it.”

“A real one.” Abed points at them. “And Jeff’s shirt.”

“What?! This is my favorite one! And it won’t even fit you!”

“We're nineteen, Winger. Almost all of us are the same size. And you and I have a very similar body type.” 

“I’m seventeen. How are you older than everyone here?” Jeff says indignantly. “And I’m pretty sure I’m bigger than you, buddy-” He starts, but then Abed takes off his plain white shirt in one swift movement and throws it at him. Shirley’s friend wasn’t lying; he actually has _abs._

“Shirt, now.” He orders. Jeff obeys, if only because this is a great opportunity to show off his body in front of the Cheerleaders. Nobody is actually looking at them, but maybe if by any chance Britta looks their way - 

Jeff puts on Abed’s shirt and it fits perfectly. Abed is already buttoning up Jeff’s shirt and jogging to the other side of the field, where the Football team is practicing. 

“You're going to buy him that camera, right?” He asks Pierce. “Because I know it was my plan and all, but I’m not going to spend all my allowance just so this dude can film Pavel eating cereal.” 

Pierce shrugs. “Money is not a problem.” 

Jeff smiles at him gratefully. They actually bump fists. 

\--

  
  


Troy is sweating like a pig. When the couch announces a break, he exhales thankfully and goes in search of his water bottle. He is taking a huge gulp and watching Annie in her brand new cheerleading outfit, seriously considering asking her out, when a tall shadow looms over him. 

“Hello there.” Troy stiffens up the instant he hears that voice, and almost spits out the water.

“Hey.” He nods. Abed Nadir is basically checking him out without even bothering to hide it. Troy doesn’t blame him; he looks extra hot after training. He takes a threatening step forward all the same. “What do you want, dude?”

“Just wanted to ask how you doing.” Abed shrugs. 

“I’m sorry,” Troy says nonchalantly. “Do I know you?”

Abed frowns. “Of course you do. We had a whole tense encounter yesterday. I actually thought you were going to punch me, and then was a little disappointed when you didn’t, cause it would have been a very interesting turn of events,” He points out, confused. Then he smirks, as if a funny idea just occurred to him. “Oh. You're dismissing me.” 

“Uh, yes I _am_.” Troy snarks. “And you better get the fuck out of here before I dismiss your ass with my foot.”

“Come on, Troy.” Abed says, probably conciliating, but it sounds condescending. “I just think we could both use a friend.”

“How could I be friends with someone who makes me want to punch him every time he talks?” Troy says, and yeah, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but he’s just high in adrenaline from all the running and sweating. 

Abed towers over him, suddenly invading his personal space. His whole demeanor has changed from chill and playful to smooth and dangerous. “That’s only your defense mechanism because you want kiss me _so bad_ -” 

“What the hell, man?!” Troy squeaks, and he never hated more the fact that his voice has just recently matured, because then it breaks at the worst moments. He straightens up and shoves him with one hand, with enough force intended to make him stagger and get off the way. But he doesn't. Abed stands as still as a rock, completely undisturbed by his blow. Troy frowns and tries again. He still doesn’t move. 

“I am stronger than you,” Abed states matter-of-factly, and it shouldn’t make Troy feel as it does; all tingly and nervous and bothered.

“That’s- that’s not possible! I’m a _quarterback_ ,” Troy babbles indignantly.

“Don’t worry. I’m not into sports. I won’t try to take your place.” He promises. Troy groans and starts power-walking away from him. Much to his dismay, Abed has also been given the gift of long legs that allow him to adapt to his pace without any effort.

“Whatever. Leave me alone, man, or I swear -”

“Did you know that your violent reactions to me are nothing more than the result of repressed sexual tension?” Abed says. Troy clenches his jaw. 

“Now you're sounding just like Britta.”  
  


“Maybe I’m mirroring her so you like me more."

Troy huffs. “Yeah, because that’s what you do, right? I’ve seen you. Doing your geeky movies and stuff. You just impersonate people, you're not even yourself, ever -” 

“It comes in handy.” Abed points out. Troy looks at him. Abed is examining him closely while walking next to him; the sun catching in his very smooth skin. Troy shakes himself out of Abed’s spell. Maybe he is a wizard. Or a troll who took human form! An alien. Or an elf! “Girls usually like it. I can be whoever they want.”

“That’s none of my business,” Troy says, because the implications of that statement really shouldn’t be as attractive as they are being to him right now. 

“For you, I can be any Kickpuncher character.” 

“Really?!” He asks excitedly, and then remembers his role and frowns. “I mean, that’s just nerdy stuff. I don’t -”

“I love you Kickpuncher,” Abed says in a very ridiculous falsetto. Troy can’t help it. He just can’t. He has to.

“The only thing beyond the power of my fists… is humanity,” Troy recites. Abed’s hard, flirty expression softens automatically, and smiles at him as if he has just seen a basket full of puppies, or as if Troy just restored world peace. It only lasts a second, though. He recovers quickly, and his calculating expression returns to its place.

“So, you, me, Kickpuncher movie at my place on Friday? Wait, no. I can’t on Friday. I’m Muslim.” He provides. Troy feels weirdly proud to have unlocked that personal fact without even trying. “Sunday, at 4 pm. I’ll pick you up.”

“Look, man. I’m flattered, I guess? But no. Thanks, but no thanks.” He says, and the couch whistles, which is the perfect excuse to run away without allowing himself to hear Nadir's response. Not that it really matters, he concludes. 

\--

  
  


“There’s a pool table in here,” Jeff whistles. “That’s great. Greendale really has some cards up its sleeve, doesn't it?”

“Oh, don’t get that excited, honey,” Shirley says. "The ball game is incomplete, and the table is full of chewed gum underneath."

“It was too good to be true,” Jeff accepts. “Well, I’m going to get this thing going. Thanks for all your help and support, my dearest pot stirrer.” 

She giggles and swats his arm. “Quit it, Winger. I’m not proud of it. I don’t want to be a part of your sick little game!”

“But you already helped,” He says charmingly, and bends to kiss her cheek. “I’ll be back.” 

Abed is focused on a game of pool. As Jeff approaches, he can see a girl coming up to give him a piece of paper, probably with her phone number on it. He smiles politely at her, and slips it absent-mindedly in his pocket.

“Hey, Abed.” Jeff says. Now he really wants to play pool. 

“I’m busy.” Abed responds, not bothering to look up. He looks very competitive and focused on the game, while Pavel seems to be just having fun, smiling charmingly while waiting.

“It’ll only take a minute. Could you just say you have to pee or something? I need to talk to you.”

At this, Abed looks up, confused. “I don’t have to pee.”

“Well, it’s a - doesn’t matter. Look, keep doing your thing. I’ll explain.”

“You're distracting me. I’m gonna lose.”

“Pavel doesn’t seem that into the game,” Jeff points out. Pavel is swinging the pool stick on his shoulder like a rifle. Then he just throws it in the air and then catches it. Then he mimics as if it were a golf stick -

“He’s a mastermind. Don't underestimate him.” Abed states. “Okay, what is it? I’ll give you my attention for two minutes and thirty-seven seconds.”

“Great.” Jeff pulls a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket and flattens it on the pool table. “I gathered this list with all the things that Barnes likes and dislikes.”

Abed glances at the sheet for a second, then makes it a ball and throws it into the nearest garbage can. He scores effortlessly. “I don’t need that.”

“What?! You have any _idea_ of all the trouble I went through to get you that? I sat listening to Randy - and another three girls that I don’t remember their names, and I’m sorry - telling me everything they knew about Troy for _hours_. And you just threw it away! It was valuable! What the hell, Abed!”

“Those are just basic facts. Things that Troy Barnes wants people to know and think about him. He likes football? Obviously. He lives with his grandma? Public knowledge. He loves doughnuts. Who doesn’t?”

“Well, do _you_ have something better? Because it’s seems to me that in your first attempt to get to him you _failed."_

“I didn’t fail. And of course I know better. He’s scared of spiders. It’s extremely easy to make him cry. He understands why women like Clive Owen to the point he might himself be attracted to him. He didn’t get inception, and he didn’t actually go to LegoLand. Should I keep going?”  
  


“How would you even know all of that? Are you a _stalker_?”

“No,” Abed looks almost scandalized at the suggestion. “I’m just observant. Plus, I’m channeling Cumberbatch’s Holmes for this year’s character.”

“This year's character? What are you talking about?”

“I keep forgetting you're new. This is our senior year, yet it has gotten pretty boring. What with the cheerleader Britta’ing every potentially fun event, and the nerdy girl turning hot - I mean Edison -, and this overflow of egocentric wannabe protagonists - I mean you, and Pierce, and sometimes Barnes but now I think he might be more than that -”

“I’m not getting half of this,” Jeff warns. 

“So, I decided to play a more interesting character this year, just to lighten things up a bit. I let my hair grow out, started to work out, and bought a lot of neutral colored shirts. I’m going for the whole mysterious, intimidating jackass style, that provides a fresh narrative in Greendale’s plot."

“You're telling me that all of this - this whole cool, smooth persona is just a character you're acting out?”

“Not entirely. It’s 20% BBC Sherlock, 10% Zendaya’s Michelle Jones in Spider-Man: Homecoming, 25% Heath Ledger in any movie you want to think of, 15% Don Draper from Mad Men, and 35% me.”

Jeff rubs his temples. “I think that constantly interacting with you will make me develop a permanent headache, and maybe make me lose my hair at a very young age.” 

“You don’t have to. We already have a deal. Trust me, and I’ll do it on my own.” Abed says, and then shoots finger guns, which Jeff decides probably belongs to the 35% that is originally Abed. 

  
“Fine.” He accepts, and starts looking for Shirley.

“Jeff,” Abed calls him. 

“Yeah?”

“You think bar scenes always start at a billiard shot, or every time someone takes a shot, they start a scene without knowing it?”

Jeff sighs.

“Also, you still haven’t interacted with Britta.” Abed clicks his tongue and points at him with the pool stick. “This whole operation will be futile if you don't start now.”

“Sure, on it.” He inhales deeply and nods, mostly to himself. He's Jeff Winger, what the hell can he be possibly scared of?

**Author's Note:**

> That's it for now. :-) 
> 
> p. s: I apologize in Pierce's behalf. I'm looking forward to redeem him a bit through the story, but an antagonist is necessary, right? We need a Pierce. And if there is any slightly sexist, inappropriate line from any other character, I tried my best to avoid it at all costs, but with all the high school clichés sometimes it's difficult to filter some typical comments or attitudes that inevitably come out! 
> 
> So, tell me what you think! I would love to hear from you. The next chapter is where things get cuter, and crazier, and god I love this movie so much!


End file.
